Found inspiration from my journal

The One Power that moves the Moon moves through You. The power that lights the Sun lights your life. It is female and it is male, It is clouds and rain, It lives in the damp earth, In roots and in buds. It moves the wind. It is Life, born and unborn, on this plane and in the next, visible and invisible, the planet and the stars. It is Infinite, it blesses and protects, Heals and creates, It moves backwards and forwards in Time, through all of space—In this life, and in myriad others yet to come and in the past as well, The Power is Yours, As it is mine

Silent Illness

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Silent Illness

Posted by publishedmusings in Uncategorized. Leave a Comment

I am finally “outing” myself instead of remaining anonymous regarding my silent illness. I am writing a memoir on this subject and it will be in print one day; so here is the first step I am taking….

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illness I live with is: Bipolar Disorder, depression and anxiety

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: major depression and anxiety in 1997; finally a bipolar diagnosis in 2009

3. But I had symptoms since: anxiety-as long as I can remember–depression and bipolar since adolescence-my mood swings are rampant throughout my journal entries

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: realizing I have to take medications for the rest of my life. I really would like to not depend of the medications in the future; but from past experience I realize that the medications are worth it–the cost; the stigma–when I have “pulled” myself off them before I have made costly mistakes within 4 days such as quitting jobs

5. Most people assume: That I’m fine until I tell them otherwise. To the casual observer I appear well-adjusted.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: Getting motivated to get out of bed. Particularly if I am going through a depressive phase

7. My favorite medical TV show is: I absolutely love House.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: my laptop; it’s an important instrument to my writing process; although I could live with just the classic pen and paper;

9. The hardest part about nights are: Actually I love to sleep; so bedtime is a welcome

10. Each day I take _7_ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please)

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: Would love to find something that would work; so far that’s not been the case.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: I think in some ways it’s easier to have an invisible illness because I can hide it (for the most part) when I want/need to. However, there are those people who have said this is all in my mind because they don’t know me well enough to have seen the very visible by-products of my illnesses.

13. Regarding working and career: I love my job and can’t imagine working anywhere else. I think it’s important for me to work and stay active during the day so that I don’t give my mind a chance to wander too much. I’d be lost without my job.

14. People would be surprised to know: How long I was actually sick before I finally got diagnosed. I’ve been struggling with this since I was a teenager.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: How I “managed” my life before I got sick and why I can’t just fall back on old habits.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: I can still write even on medications; I still have inspiration; I don’t have to be going through a manic or depressive phase to write great material

17. The commercials about my illness: Are good for awareness; but depress me…

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Can’t think of anything; after my diagnosis I have been able to regain my interests; adhenoia–or lack of interest is a terrible symptom of depression where you are literally not interested in anything;

19. It was really hard to have to give up: the fact that I need to be on medications for the rest of my life; that is what I really resent about my silent illness;

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: it’s the regaining the interests in reading, writing, drawing, just cleaning my house that I am able to accomplish with my symptoms at bay;

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Really there are more days than not that I feel “normal.”

22. My illness has taught me: resilience.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: When people use a mental diagnosis in a derogatory way. Or assuming everyone with a mental illness will shoot up a cafeteria or other knock over the Pope or stalk David Letterman. Those are extreme cases that blanket our media that perpetuates the stigmas.

24. But I love it when people: Are shocked to find out just how much of a struggle I’m living with – because they never would have guessed it.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: That which does not kill me only makes me stronger;

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: That life can get better with the right treatment. But you’ve got to be willing to fight for that treatment sometimes. Never stop fighting for your own rights. Be your own advocate and if you can’t then it helps someone who can.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: How easy it is sometimes to forget that there’s anything wrong with me.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Advocate for me with my doctor’s appointments and driving me to the appointments because I was such in an anxious state I could not do either–thank you, David.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I feel it’s important to talk about invisible illnesses, thus making them more “visible” to the rest of the world. Many people either suffer from an “invisible” illness, know someone who does; or will know someone. This normalizes the process and helps alleviate stigma.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Honest. Hopefully you will read my memoir one day regarding my silent illness.

I am finally “outing” myself instead of remaining anonymous regarding my silent illness. I am writing a memoir on this subject and it will be in print one day; so here is the first step I am taking….

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illness I live with is: Bipolar Disorder, depression and anxiety

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: major depression and anxiety in 1997; finally a bipolar diagnosis in 2009

3. But I had symptoms since: anxiety-as long as I can remember–depression and bipolar since adolescence-my mood swings are rampant throughout my journal entries

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: realizing I have to take medications for the rest of my life. I really would like to not depend of the medications in the future; but from past experience I realize that the medications are worth it–the cost; the stigma–when I have “pulled” myself off them before I have made costly mistakes within 4 days such as quitting jobs

5. Most people assume: That I’m fine until I tell them otherwise. To the casual observer I appear well-adjusted.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: Getting motivated to get out of bed. Particularly if I am going through a depressive phase

7. My favorite medical TV show is: I absolutely love House.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: my laptop; it’s an important instrument to my writing process; although I could live with just the classic pen and paper;

9. The hardest part about nights are: Actually I love to sleep; so bedtime is a welcome

10. Each day I take _7_ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please)

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: Would love to find something that would work; so far that’s not been the case.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: I think in some ways it’s easier to have an invisible illness because I can hide it (for the most part) when I want/need to. However, there are those people who have said this is all in my mind because they don’t know me well enough to have seen the very visible by-products of my illnesses.

13. Regarding working and career: I love my job and can’t imagine working anywhere else. I think it’s important for me to work and stay active during the day so that I don’t give my mind a chance to wander too much. I’d be lost without my job.

14. People would be surprised to know: How long I was actually sick before I finally got diagnosed. I’ve been struggling with this since I was a teenager.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: How I “managed” my life before I got sick and why I can’t just fall back on old habits.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: I can still write even on medications; I still have inspiration; I don’t have to be going through a manic or depressive phase to write great material

17. The commercials about my illness: Are good for awareness; but depress me…

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Can’t think of anything; after my diagnosis I have been able to regain my interests; adhenoia–or lack of interest is a terrible symptom of depression where you are literally not interested in anything;

19. It was really hard to have to give up: the fact that I need to be on medications for the rest of my life; that is what I really resent about my silent illness;

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: it’s the regaining the interests in reading, writing, drawing, just cleaning my house that I am able to accomplish with my symptoms at bay;

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Really there are more days than not that I feel “normal.”

22. My illness has taught me: resilience.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: When people use a mental diagnosis in a derogatory way. Or assuming everyone with a mental illness will shoot up a cafeteria or other knock over the Pope or stalk David Letterman. Those are extreme cases that blanket our media that perpetuates the stigmas.

24. But I love it when people: Are shocked to find out just how much of a struggle I’m living with – because they never would have guessed it.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: That which does not kill me only makes me stronger;

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: That life can get better with the right treatment. But you’ve got to be willing to fight for that treatment sometimes. Never stop fighting for your own rights. Be your own advocate and if you can’t then it helps someone who can.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: How easy it is sometimes to forget that there’s anything wrong with me.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Advocate for me with my doctor’s appointments and driving me to the appointments because I was such in an anxious state I could not do either–thank you, David

Memoir in Progress

August 1st deadline.  My aunt has asked for a memoir on my bipolar disorder for her abnormal psychology class.  So far I have ten pages written for my first draft.  Samples to come once I tighten it up.

Writer's Bill of Rights

I have the right to write as every writer does so here is my version of a writer's bill of rights--many of these ideas are universally found in books about writing:

1-I call myself a writer because I simply write;

2-Blocks will happen and stack up like a tower constructed by a toddler and that is okay; the tower will eventually fall and provide a new foundation for the next project;

3-Write no matter what--no matter what nonsense may come out; one famous writer (can't remember) stated that it takes a minimum of a million words of crap until something is productively achieved;

4-I'm blank now--Inner Critic arguing with Inner Censor;

5-We all have some form of an Inner Critic an Inner Censor and the only way to turn down the volume is to write them into silence;

6-Pause, Breathe, Focus;

7-Write with your heart and soul;

8-Write often and daily;

9-I have the right to my own words, views, and opinions;

10-I have a right to privacy as well as the right to share;

11-I have a right to fill my creative well by spacing out, meditating, walking, or simply doing something because it brings me joy;

12-I have a right to detest revisions;

13-I have a right to notify my understanding family that this is "Writing Time";

14-I have a right to my insecurities as well as my self-confidence;

15-I have the right to revel in the "squirms" ( the squirms is a term for writer's block that Ayn Rand writes about);

16-I have the right to set goals and revise them as I trudge or soar along;

17-I have the right to my ambitions and reminding myself a "master piece" isn't born overnight.

18-I have the right to publish this piece on my blog.

Writing myself out of this block

I'm 36 years old and have the goal to publish something by the time I am 43--don't ask; that number comes to mind.

I have faced writer's block several times in my life and this time I can identify that I am just stressed out from daily living--working full time, parenting a 6 1/2 year old (David is a huge help with this we really are 50/50 in our parenting team), keeping up a household so it doesn't look like a FEMA site.

Ready for this glacier to melt so I can find the treasure; of coure I don't want to drown and get sucked in the undertoe of should of, would of , could of.

Blogs are a great way to express ideas and peer into the world of anyone around the world. I had a blog at wordpress for two years and the page went kaput. Luckily I was able to retrieve most of what I wrote and sent copies to two different email addresses. I would have died if I lost that two years of writing.

So, here I am. Writing myself out of a block. Shedding my insecurities. If anyone has any suggestions of how they write themselves out of the block, please share.